What Do ALFs Believe?

Any Army worth its salt fights for a set of principles and ALF's Imperial Army is no exception.

Fighting the Good Fight

We fight only where the need for intervention in order to preserve the community's physical and moral well-being is obvious, and the facts concerning who is evil and who is righteous are black and white. We will not fight for oil, for instance. ALF's Army will not sully itself by pandering to the interests of the barons of an industry whose main concern is the rooting round in the earth for a product we know will never catch on, no matter what the middle-class so-called intellectuals say. No! It will remain a sorry second to whale oil which is collected in a far more romantic manner, and will used only ever be used for lamps, lubricating spinning jennies, and as a recreational aid.

Such squabbles, over which the dignity of at least one large (but inexpressibly vulgar) republic has already been squandered, don't deserve our attention - not when there are heinous, terrible, real live monsters to be fought.

A real live monster.

The Fundamental Tenets: Loyalty to the Queen and the Virtues of British Fogeyism

Particularly Queen Victoria as she's dead, as are her children and even her children's children, so they can't embarrass us. That smoking without a pipe is unmanly, and so is footwear without nails in the bottom. That the sun is not be trusted, and exposing nude upper arms to its glare will give you rabies.

The Tweedy Mans' Burden

ALF's Imperial Army do not just make war, they are emissaries of culture bringing sartorial and cultural enlightenment to those in the dark - the unjustifiably young in body and mind, the scruffy and the decadent. Into this category fall most of KAOS, most McGillicuddies, nearly all Greens, and the public at large - all of those who would spurn Harris Tweed for Tommy Hilfiger and who know so little about starched collars and having the right tie on in the evening. ALF's Army understand the importance of maintaining a deep grey industrial society to stop poor people from lounging about. We advocate only such technology as can be seen, felt, taken apart and given a good brasso. We may be willing to make exceptions for means to record our deeds, and more importantly, our appearance.

Emissaries of Culture

The Body is Shameful

Followers of ALF cover theirs up with uniforms and dresses which are far more beautiful than the pasty blotchy things they conceal. Only a strict regime of instruction in this vital moral truth will prevent men and women from losing control of themselves when local customs or the wear and tear of battle or jungle conditions make it necessary to discard proper dress or leave it at the drycleaners'.

Chaps waiting in mess in the heat of Auckland.

ALFs is Not Fun

Some people hold that Pacifist Warfare is about having fun. ALF's Imperial Army opposes this notion. ALF's Army is dedicated to bringing the gospel of funlessness to those imperiled souls who are frittering away their time on earth in feckless pursuits, putting themselves in the direct line of hellfire for the afterlife. We often have to fight and conquer them to do so.

We have hounded Fun, and its malicious purveyors, almost unto death; drinking and dancing, lying in the sun, floating down rivers, in spa baths, yea verily we have chased. Always have we found them, confronted them and chastened them with biblical severity.

Fun is temptation, and must be resisted. We build up resistance to the Demon Fun by exposure in small doses to its manifestations until we can experience them without enjoying them at all. Then, aided by our knowledge and inspired by our moral victory, ALF's Army can move more easily to destroy or subjugate those who would provide Fun to others.

With practice, dancing can be safely engaged in for diplomatic purposes without the least enjoyment.

Happiness Without Fun

ALF's has the solution to the problem that Fun represents for modern society. Young people and old must be given full and busy lives that will ready their souls for what comes after and which will leave them without the energy or desire for Fun. ALF's Amy offers your children who won't inherit land and aren't suited to the clergy a health-giving routine of marching, being shouted at by their social superiors, brass-polishing, and a comprehensive system of punishments. Above all, there is the glory of wearing our chaste yet inspirational uniform, and the prospect of heroic death in battle - endlessly repeated.