Royal Crest

The Nursing Corps

In battle, every combatant can expect to die a number of times. Nurses are an essential part of ALF's Army, or of any 'pacifist warfare' army, because without them, the dead cannot come back to life.

Just as women can be and have been soldiers of ALF, commonly referred to in the plural as 'the chaps', so Nurses can be male.

While in the real British Army these were male and female roles respectively, in ALF's Imperial Army, always keen as it is for new bodies, both roles are open to people of any gender.

Adding that touch of glamour

Nurses are headed by a Matron who has authority over her sisters and novices as officers have command of their men.

All Nurses are treated with respect equal or in excess of that shown to officers. Sisters and Matrons shall be deemed to have rank equivalent to that of officers in non-combat matters (i.e. presentation, administration, decorum, conduct, and general coming and going, particularly in the important role of Death-critic). Nor would mess be civilised without them, or the ball have glamour.

Where ALF soldiers follow the iron rule of discipline implemented through hierarchical command structures, nurses follow a charter of conduct that is beautiful in its simplicity and nobility. It is as follows.

ALF's Imperial Army Nurses' Charter

The Nurses' Corps of ALF's Imperial Army undertake to provide aid and succour on the field of battle, with impartial concern for the well-being of Britons, their allies, and the foe.

They shall bear with them reviving elixirs, perform bandaging and offer other such other services and comforts as necessary, such as the reading of the Good Book to the expiring, and the offering of crutches and prosthetic heads to the maimed.

The Nurses may act as officers of his levity the Arch-Wizard in the following capacities:

  • To ensure that war is carried out in a gentlemanly or at least good-humoured manner (for the eyes of the referee cannot be everywhere)
  • To judge independently of the merit and quality of the death- agonies and wound-agonies of the combatants - in particular, their ability to move onlookers with extravagance or stoicism.

The Nurses' corps have the right to withhold medical treatment, attention and critical praise from performances they deem to be of insufficient quality, or where blackguardly behaviour has been displayed.

Nurses may admonish the troops for slovenliness, cowardice, feeble displays of hurt or inadequate vigour in recovery.

The Nursing Corps can take action to provide for the families of fallen soldiers by removing gold fillings, wallets and internal organs for sale or research. Soldiers failing to perform to a suitable standard and subsequently deemed unfit for military service may be sold for medical research or transplants wholesale prior to death to keep them fresh.

Nurses may use their discretion to interrupt or delay military proceedings to make announcements or take other action as they see fit in the interests of public or military health.

As officers of public health, Nurses have the dread task of overseeing the moral well-being of chaps, who are more often than not eager to reveal their particular mysteries to little artistic effect.

Nurses at Operation Wire-Brush

Nurses in the field, cheerful and ready for any horror

Until they perform the perfect death - terrible agonies, epic scenery, fine parting words, professional mourners and marble entombment - no ALF chap can expect to be treated as a work of art. They must therefore be prepared to continue to labour, not expect to be 'kept', and treat all others, particularly ladies and Nurses, with respect and Christian humility.